Self-compassion was first introduced to me in therapy. In one of my early sessions, my therapist asked, “How can you respond to that with self-compassion?” “I have no idea,” I said.
Self-compassion was a foreign concept. It was an elusive act that I had never heard a definition for that made sense to me. Tara Brach’s book Radical Compassion helped give me an intellectual sense of what it is. But, I have the tendency to over-intellectualize in order to suppress my emotions. Reading the book was the first baby step towards feeling kind and gentle towards myself.
Here is a definition from Dr. Kristin Neff, a research psychologist and pioneer in self-compassion:
Essentially, we treat ourselves with the same gentle kindness we’d treat a friend going through something difficult. This can be challenging. We’re inundated with messages that we are not doing enough and we must grind harder to achieve a life of ease. How can we be gentle and kind when we’re afraid and tired? Acknowledging the systems and institutions that make life harder, particularly for marginalized groups of people, must be done. And, we have to remember the power we do have to live better lives.
There is so much we cannot control. This truth co-exists with the reality that we can grow our ability to respond to the world and ourselves in a way that will help alleviate pain and ultimately, nourish us.
Here are three ways I’ve grown my self-compassion, my super-power.
Slowing Down + Doing Less
When I’m rushing around I don’t have the capacity to hear myself, listen to others, or be thoughtful. My body has been through a lot because of trauma and chronic stress. Honoring my needs for calm and less stimuli has been helpful. Two yoga shapes that help me slow down and listen to my body are cat and cow. The video below guides you through each. Dropping into gentle movement can be helpful when staying still doesn’t feel right and you need a way to release energy.Building a Care Team
I go to a mental health therapist, a physical therapist, a massage therapist, and an acupuncturist. This care team has been transformative for navigating injuries and learning to live a more balanced and free life. Self-compassion is also acknowledging when you need help and accepting it. This care team is possible because of good health insurance and accepting that I needed to invest in my health. Not everyone has access to this type of care because of systemic issues of inequity in America. But if you have health issues to address and can budget for more care, it’s worth the exploration to see what helps you feel better. I use the word exploration because none of our bodies are the same and we all need a different approach to care, at different times in our lives.Paying Attention + Owning My Power
Where are the areas in life that you have power? I used to overcommit to obligations, listen to others before I listened to myself, and stay in situations where my needs were not being met. But, I didn’t have to do any of that. Once I started to pay attention to what was causing me harm and if I had the power to change that, my life changed. Giving yourself the gift of attention and then owning your power to make necessary changes are self-compassionate acts.
In Science of Yoga, Ann Swanson states: “Researchers believe that somatic practices (or movement practices that emphasize perception, such as yoga asanas) are useful for helping people to process trauma without retriggering because they help us release tension held in the body.”
Here is a somatic movement practice to try. I do this once a day, typically in the morning.
What does care feel like to you?
To me, it’s the feeling of
a hug from a trusted loved one that lasts long enough you can melt into it
when my partner cooks me dinner
when my friend sits with me sipping warm tea and talking about life
when my dog snuggles against me
when my neighbor helps shovel our car out of our driveway
when I hear the words “that’s really hard”, instead of “well at least”
when I give myself permission to do less
when I rest
when I honor my needs
when I spend time feeling grateful for all of the goodness around me
Coming back to self-compassion again and again is the most powerful way I take care of myself. I’m then much more prepared to care for others. Here’s to being more kind and gentle, with ourselves and the world.
May we be well, happy, and free,
E